10 weeks pregnant...

or not.

I debated back and forth on whether to post this or not. I wrote this several weeks back as I was going through this difficult time. Obviously, I decided to post it...
I went to the doctors this past week for my first prenatal care appt.  We are more than thrilled to be expecting our 8th child.  I had all the routine stuff done and left with an appointment for July.  The doctors office called me the next day with my lab results and said everything was fine, but did I want to get an ultrasound to check my dates. My response was uhhh, no. I am sure of my dates, like absolutely positively sure.  So I asked why, what are my hCg levels. The nurse asked me to hang on and then came back on the phone and said let me call the lab and I will call you right back.  She called me back and said my levels are where they should be at for 5-6 weeks pregnant. I stood there in stunned silence thinking 5-6 weeks?!  I am 10 weeks plus 1 day.  Then the reality of it all started to sink in. Something is wrong.  She told me she could set up an ultrasound and I said that sounded great.  We went for the ultrasound 2 hours later and they found the baby measuring at 6 weeks but no heartbeat.  They told me the baby measured right under where they would expect to find cardiac activity. So no one would definitively tell me the baby had quit growing or maybe everything would be OK.  I know my dates and this tells me that something is most likely seriously wrong. Short of a miracle, which I do believe in, I am afraid we will lose the baby.  I do not like living in this limbo where I have no idea what is going to happen, well I guess I have an idea but, I can't help but hope that they will find a heartbeat this week when they do the next ultrasound.  I feel like I am living with an ache in my heart knowing that I have probably lost this little baby. I just wish I knew what was going to happen so I could move on.  I trust my Heavenly Father to know what is best for me and my family and I know his will is perfect.  I know I need to have more faith.  As I have been going through this trial I sat down at the piano to pour out some emotion in my piano playing and opened the hymn book randomly. It opened to Count Your Many Blessings. As I played and sang and cried I did start to count my many blessings starting with my amazing family...my husband, my mom, my children, my sisters, my friends, and just so many more that are too numerous to name.  I am grateful for my Heavenly Father and I know he does not ask for me or any of us to pass through anything that we can not handle, we just have to remember He is there for us to lean on.
I did lose the baby almost 2 weeks later.  It was a yucky miscarriage (not that any aren't) and I am grateful that I have a wonderful support system to lean on as I grieve losing this little life that I was so excited to add to our family.